This was beautiful - not only can I relate to the speaker, but I am moved by what was said here. Your imagery is beautiful, your words forceful and full of rhythm, melody - something picturesque and simple. Yet, I have one small critique that really is just one of those hideous and annoying "hunches" and "feelings" I have.
and this isn't it.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
The poem was missing a few things for me, such as several italicizedstreamsof consciousnessmadeextraspecialbytheirlackoflinebreaks, preferably invoking a metaphor of a bird with broken wings/a café burning to the ground as the people inside keep swilling coffee and obliviously butchering some Nirvana. You also might have added a few cute neologisms like, ‘heartshattered’, and some Derrida-esque wordplay involving parentheses; ‘(a)pathetic’ might have been a nice choice here. Additionally, I was disappointed by the lack of the word ‘saccharine’…but props for invoking specific random times, a TYWC emo mainstay. As it was, this almost but not quite delivered.
And it’s really sad that we’re never on AIM contemporaneously…this poem makes me realize how much I miss you ^.^
"Your voice
is shaking me down. Tomorrow and next week.."
I'm still unaware of how to quote with html. I really love this imagery, its really unexpected, original. I have to say anyone can resonate to this in their own way, but even so, pretty breathtaking. i am sure that this is the effect but and "I toss it in the fire and let it burn." doesn't flow as much but i'm sure you were probably trying to end it abruptly.
I felt this piece was too love-letter-like and hard for me to accept. I understood clearly what you were saying, but I didn't really understand why the poem needed to be written. This seems to me like it's not pushing the envelope, especially considering your talent. It also sounds A LOT like a ton of poetry around here and on other forums. It's just in that style which is groundbreaking the first five times you hear it, but which, after a while, just grates the nerves with its clone-like nature.
The rhythm and rhyme was done really well. But apart from the first line, i didn't really see that much imagery in this. I loved the repitition of 'and this isn't it' as it made me want to read on.
XD
Oh, I hate to break the good news.
I didn't really think this was great. Mind you, this isn't bad, but it isn't truly remarkable, as far as your poetry goes.
Because this was open mic night, I expect the word choice to be a little bit more jerky, to simulate the nervous feeling you get before singing in front of a crowd, especially for someone who you like who is watching you. Sometimes, the words were jerky. I love the repetition of "and this isn't it" which lent some realism to the poem.
But still... jerkier word choice is called for in this case.
Thank you all for the kinds words. The piece really isn't deserving of them.
Rease, I refuse to tell you the meaning of my poem. A poem's meaning varies from person-to-person, and my interpretation is no better than anyone else's. Either way, thank you for spending the time to read this.
I have no idea what you just wrote. It sounded nice, but I didn't understand a word of it.
I think that this poem is VERY well done. I like it alot.