The poem was missing a few things for me, such as several italicizedstreamsof consciousnessmadeextraspecialbytheirlackoflinebreaks, preferably invoking a metaphor of a bird with broken wings/a café burning to the ground as the people inside keep swilling coffee and obliviously butchering some Nirvana. You also might have added a few cute neologisms like, ‘heartshattered’, and some Derrida-esque wordplay involving parentheses; ‘(a)pathetic’ might have been a nice choice here. Additionally, I was disappointed by the lack of the word ‘saccharine’…but props for invoking specific random times, a TYWC emo mainstay. As it was, this almost but not quite delivered.
And it’s really sad that we’re never on AIM contemporaneously…this poem makes me realize how much I miss you ^.^
Points: 5890
Reviews: 85
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